My year just keeps getting worse.
Everyday gets easier. Everyday gets harder.
I don’t think I cried at all yesterday. I went back to work at Macy’s. I was anxious about it since I have to walk through the children’s dept to get to my own, but I don’t have a real aversion to baby clothing, most babies, or pregnant women. I did wince twice seeing dads play with their newborns.
But all in all. I was fine. I had to tell several people that the baby had passed. I can talk about it without getting emotional AS LONG AS the person I’m talking to is able to hold it together.
Day-to-day shit is falling back into place with no problems.
Now, I’m stuck trying to figure out everything. Why my baby? When will I try again? With whom? Do I go back to the fresh sperm donor I was originally supposed to use when I got pregnant on my own? Should I go see a RE to get inseminated professionally? Where did my baby go? Is he or she an ancestor? How can I honor my baby that I carried so briefly? Why did I wake up the day I passed the baby with visions of another baby and its nickname? Did my baby feel love from me?
I can say that I do wake up every morning feeling quite anxious. It’s hard to get up no matter how much crying I do or not do.
I don’t want to feel better. I just don’t want to be confused anymore.
Did not expect to get so horny so fast.
Freaked him out. Then I felt bad. Then I got more horny.
There’s a lot going on right now, and I’m glad it’s not all sadness.
**TRIGGER WARNING. (Miscarriage, pregnancy)**
Today, one day before my scheduled D&C, I miscarried naturally in the ER.
I had a feeling that I might not make it to Thursday. Things started ramping up yesterday….and rhythmically.
I slept a little later today than I meant to and by the time I completely woke up and got out of bed, my body decided to expel the fetus.
Some people will tell you that a miscarriage is like a heavy period. NO. And maybe it’s because I was 12 weeks at the time of the baby’s passing, but I’ll say that the week and a half of bleeding and cramping I had before yesterday might qualify as period-like, but not anything from yesterday or today.
Baby was small. Only about 3 inches. Probably only weighing an ounce or so, but the uterus has to contract to expel it and the cervix has to dilate.
I had contractions. The closer I got, the closer and longer they got. I vomited. I felt like I needed to have a bowel movement. That shit was labor. I got to the ER too late to get pain meds. Well, what I should say is that I had my worst two contractions and felt instant relief. Then I got drugs in my IV. Ten minutes later, we found that I had already passed the little bean.
My midwife was there. The NP asked me if I would like to see my angel, and I did. I had passed the baby and placenta completely. I cannot believe I did it. I feel weird speaking of it this way, but I didn’t think I was capable of miscarrying on my own. I feel a bit of pride (I guess) knowing that although the circumstances were tragic, I was able to do that.
Now is the time for more grieving and hopefully healing.
I think everything that’s happened happened exactly how it was supposed to. I think I needed to see the baby I’d never bring home. It was so tiny and so delicate and so precious…
Hearing him say “I wish things were different.” made me break down.
Tomorrow is my last full day with my baby, and even though he or she flew away days ago, I want to cherish this time because I don’t know if I’ll ever get another chance.
I swore to myself that I would never reblog anything to do with cats.
I have broken the oath to myself.
I feel like the samurai sword master in Kill Bill.
But this must be done.
gsfahaua mommy chased away the bad kitty dreams with her paw and hugged her baby omfg i’m scREAMING OMFG„
I’m the momma kitty and my kitty is the baby every morning
Admittedly having a hard time understanding why my baby is a spirit now and I’m still over here.
I just had a very long talk at my altar. Talked to all of the mothers, and I spoke to my baby. I don’t know why I…we were chosen to be the parents for this very brief time, but I know that we were chosen for a reason.
I told my unborn that I’d stay on this side and never forget his or her presence. I explained that their little body was just too small and too sick to keep going, but I could tell they were a fighter.
Looking for to and dreading Thursday. The effects of this miscarriage are draining. And although I really hate to physically be separated from my little angel, I can’t keep living like this.